CSI Miami Episode 804

The episode begins with a chauffeur arriving at a private airport, while a not-coincidental radio report discusses a financier’s assets being frozen. Is the Chauffeur actually the financier, trying to sneak out of the country? An assassin there to killer the financier as he escapes? Nope, he’s a repo man looking to collect the financier’s plane. The airport security stop him immediately - he made the questionable choice to try and distract security by parking a suspicious limo and then telling them to tow it while he snuck into a hangar. Not a terrible plan, but since he parked the limo in front of the exact hangar he was planning to rob, all he did was ensure that the guards would be as close as possible to him when he tried to drive the plane out.

You know, I might be defending this guy’s actions too much. What was he going to do with the plane? Drive it to another hangar? How could he not think people would notice that? It’s not like he could fly it somewhere – flying without a registered plan is unbelievably illegal, after all.

Anyhoo, the guards smell a corpse on board, and make the following unpleasant discovery:

Yes, that’s the financier’s corpse in the toilet tank. I’ll say this for CSI: Miami – eight years in, they can still surprise me with something new and disgusting. In his continuing tradition of not saying something interesting before going to the credits, Horatio asks a question – did someone break the financier out (he’s under house arrest await trial), or set him up for murder? Why is that an either or? If he’s under house arrest and you want to kill him, isn’t breaking him out first kind of a necessity?

Hey, according to the credits Christian Clemenson is back in the week’s episode! Whoo! Now that Boston Legal’s over he’s getting a lot of work, it seems.

Also back is a character I neglected to mention last time, Jesse’s black comedy sidekick! That’s right, all last week, Jesse hung out with the new guy in the lab, a black guy who instructed him about what a ‘cougar’ was. Because remember, that’s a really obscure term in the world of CSI: Miami. This week he continues being a comic relief sidekick, as Jesse tricks him into being the one to pull the corpse out of the toilet.

Hopefully he’ll be sassy while doing it.

Outside, Callie interviews the repo man, who explains that a repoed item isn’t legally yours until you get it out of the garage or home it’s in. So that explains his terrible plan, at least. She also accuses him of murder, meaning he didn’t do it. But we already knew that.

There’s no ankle monitor on the corpse, so the team makes the assumption that the financier must have attached it to his dog so it would look like he was still at home. Swinging by the house they find blood on the dog’s collar, and the financier’s son, who’s busy hand-rolling a joint, just like the one they found on the plane! He’s also injured, and the police intuit that it’s from when he helped his dad remove the ankle bracelet. Which he accomplished by just prying it off with a stick. Wait, you can do that? Wouldn’t tearing it open just set off an alarm?

Also, they catch him with the joint because he was out back rolling one when they arrived. But he wasn’t surprised to see them. Which leads to a pretty big question – so you knew that your father was dead, and that the police were coming to see you… and you thought that was a great time to pull out your drugs and start using them publicly?

The son claims that the financier was just going out to pay back some of the money he stole, which seems more than a little preposterous. The wife is working at a sunglasses hut, and their questioning of her leads to the nearby crowd realizing who she is, which quickly turns them into an angry mob. One of the crowd, a man who’s out-of-the-ordinarily-angry is arrested, and proves to be diabetic! Both he and the wife get through the scene without being accused of the murder. The diabetes really seems too specific to not be a clue. Also making him suspicious is the fact that he’s got an elaborate sob story to tell to Jesse as they hang around outside the police station, waiting for a ride home.

Then Jesse’s black comedy sidekick shows up for three utterly pointless lines. I seriously have no idea why this character exists. This show already has something like a dozen regular characters. Does it need any more? Of course it’s possible Horatio jr. and the British Guy have been dumped from the cast this year, and I just haven’t noticed yet.

While searching the financier’s house Horatio and smuggy stumble across the financier’s ledgers, which leads them to discover that money was being snuck out of a variety of accounts, using the code word ‘noise’. They quickly state that the money can’t be hidden in any of the conventional places, because swiss and cayman banks don’t have any records of dealing with the financier. Of course they know this – I’m sure that it’s both fairly easy to get client information out of banks in those countries, and that people hiding money in foreign countries always use their real names.

Or names at all, even with those famous swiss numbered accounts.

Now it’s over to the morgue, where Socrates announces that the financier was strangled with a chain! By a super-strong force that actually severed his spine during the strangulation! So it’s off to the hanger to look for a winch! Which turns up really quickly, of course. Things take a turn for the exciting when a second repo man shows up to steal the plane! Here’s the twist… he claims that he was the only Repo man working on the job! And the boss confirms it. That boss? David Wallace from the office! Who doesn’t get accused of murder, despite the fact that he had the motive of wanting his plane back!

So just who was that first repo man? And does this mean his plan suddenly went back to being retarded? He was working for the wife, and yes. She wanted to steal the plane so that she could sell it and get the money. She also claims that she thought the plane was fully owned by her husband, which makes me wonder why she sent the repo man – a repo man makes sense if they didn’t own the plane and the rightful owner wanted it back – but if they did own the plane it would count as one of their assets, and be frozen until the outcome of the court case. She would have to be an idiot to not think that selling the plane would count as theft from the government, or at least something very much like it. As stupid as this scene is, at least they finally get around to accusing her of murder, meaning that she can’t have done it.

Down in the lab they’re working on the chain, and it’s time for some character stuff between Jesse and Callie. Hey, where’s Eric? Wasn’t he back on the force last week? The gist of the scene? Jesse has mysterious reasons for moving to Miami. Then it’s time for yet another trip back to the hanger for Jesse and his black sidekick, because they forgot to check the refuse system’s filter for evidence. Which is like the first thing they should have done after taking the corpse out, isn’t it? This is just negligence. They turn up a contact lens in the filter, and comic relief black guy remembers that the diabetic wore glasses. There’s still fifteen minutes left in the show and they flat-out accuse him of murder, though, so the clue’s a dead end. This does give Jessie a chance to show off what a great guy he is though, by helping the diabetic secure housing for his family, whose finances were destroyed by the financier’s theft.

The cops finally track down the financier’s car, and see some motorcycle tracks by the scene. Just like the motorcycle that the son drives! It seems he confronted his father when the villain tried to escape with the money! Horatio lets the son go without accusing him of murder, though, so he’s still a viable suspect.

I know I said that there could never be a montage more preposterously boring than the one about Callie going through some kitchen drawers, but I was clearly wrong. Because the case is cracked based on two separate montages of Smuggy reading ledgers. Check it out:

Smuggy discovers that David Wallace also had money invested with the financier, giving him an even bigger motive for murder than just the plane! Also, the actor wears glasses on the Office, but not here, so it’s probably his contact they found. A quick check of the contacts prove that they match, but it’s not exactly great evidence – they’ve just got a matching prescription, after all, and that’s nowhere near as unique as a fingerprint. He confesses immediately, though, explaining that he killed the financier in the heat of battle. You know, the part of the heat of battle where you knock a guy down, wrap a chain around his neck, and then turn on the winch it’s attached to in order to strangle him to death.

Wait, I’m confused about David Wallace’s confession – he explains that he saw the tail number pop up with a flight plan to go to the Cayman Islands, so he rushed down to keep the guy from fleeing in the plane. But isn’t the plane being watched by the authorities? Wouldn’t they know that if the frozen-assets plane of a house-arrested criminal tried to file a flight plan it’s probably illegal?

Oh, wait, all authorities other than Horatio are corrupt and incompetant. I forgot that part.

One last loose end to tie up, though – the location of his missing money, codeworded ‘Noise’. A look at the plane reveals that its tail number is N0153, which is a code so unbelievably complex that I can’t believe they were ever able to crack it.

They arrive at the airport and find the son tearing open the seats, looking for the hidden cash. Horatio guilt-trips the son into surrendering the cash, and then he’s put under arrest for helping his father escape. At least I assume that’s what he’s under arrest for. They don’t really explain any details.


So Eric’s MIA this week, and they’re busy setting up Jesse as the nicest guy ever, only with a mysterious past! Is Eric leaving the show?

More importantly, when is Ron coming back? I’m really just watching the show in the hopes of catching the occasional glimpse of Kim Coates, and the first four episodes have been very disappointing in that respect. I mean, I realize he’s on another show, but he’s so much more entertaining on CSI.

And now, because you* demanded it, here's a new installment of False Accusation Theatre!

(*If by 'you', I mean 'me')

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