Day 53: Indiana Jones and the (far too) Lucky Escape (Part 3)
Today's entry covers yet another example of Indiana Jones' unbelievably convenient luck when it comes to finding his way to safety in even the direst of circumstances. This particular example comes from a sequence that I haven't mentioned as of yet in this series, the motorcycle chase around and through Barnett College, where Harrison Ford teaches when he's not off battling natives and punching Nazis.
I'll cover the details of the chase another day, for now I'll just recap the situation - Harrison Ford is hanging onto the back of Shia Laboeuf's bike as they ride through city streets and college gardens. The chase ends as Shia tricks the commies into ramming into the statue of Denholm Elliot, beheading it and sending the copper dome into one of the Commies' laps. Then the chase ends, and the scene cuts to Harrison Ford's house, as he and Shia go to look a few things up in books (the cornerstone of action filmmaking: always cut directly from a chase scene to a research scene!)
30.10.08
Avod Episode 2: Halloween Special!
That's right folks, just in time for Halloween, the Divemistress and I have teamed up to produce a Halloween-themed Avod, covering everything you need to know to have a spooktacular holiday weekend (as long as it involves watching horror movies, or possibly listening to people talking about them)!
Happy Halloween! (right click on the previous statement and 'save link as' to enjoy the Avod)
P.S. - In case you're wondering why the Halloween poster wasn't altered at all, it's because you don't mess with perfection.
I Hate Indiana Jones: Day 52
Day 52: Indiana Jones and the Useless Whip
Indiana Jones isn't a gimmick character, nor does he only have one note. That is to say, he's not a whip-themed character, and I would never suggest that the films go out of their way to find things for him to whip, because doing so would likely only lead to awkwardness.
That being said, I think it's fair to say that everyone who pays to see an Indiana Jones movie expects to see him using the whip a few times. It doesn't have to be throughout the film, and it doesn't have to be constant, but nonetheless, it's something we expect him to get around to doing at some point. Like James Bond and his Martinis, the audience wants to see Indy cleverly swinging or grabbing things with a whip at opportune moments.
Indiana Jones isn't a gimmick character, nor does he only have one note. That is to say, he's not a whip-themed character, and I would never suggest that the films go out of their way to find things for him to whip, because doing so would likely only lead to awkwardness.
That being said, I think it's fair to say that everyone who pays to see an Indiana Jones movie expects to see him using the whip a few times. It doesn't have to be throughout the film, and it doesn't have to be constant, but nonetheless, it's something we expect him to get around to doing at some point. Like James Bond and his Martinis, the audience wants to see Indy cleverly swinging or grabbing things with a whip at opportune moments.
29.10.08
Jon Hamm is the new Alec Baldwin
Not in the acting or celebrity sense - in the Saturday Night Live hosting sense.
Like everyone else, I love Alec Baldwin's performances as SNL's default host, but at some point he's bound to get tired of the job, and once that happens, they're going to need someone to act as a go-to guy for hosting duties, and they won't find anyone better for the job than Jon Hamm.
Like everyone else, I love Alec Baldwin's performances as SNL's default host, but at some point he's bound to get tired of the job, and once that happens, they're going to need someone to act as a go-to guy for hosting duties, and they won't find anyone better for the job than Jon Hamm.
23.10.08
Thursday Night Avod!
Then it must be the Avod!
That's right, today marks the debut of the webternet's first audio-only vodcast!
A semi-regular feature here at the Castle, the Avod features the divemistress and myself disagreeing about the hot issues in modern genre fiction. Or at least the genre fiction of late August, because that's when the first episode was recorded. And one of the topics is a movie well over a year old that I just didn't get around to watching for quite a while.
But other than that, cutting edge.
So please, enjoy the Avod, which can be downloaded here!
Next time the issues we discuss will be ever so slightly more current: look forward to a discussion of Knight Rider! Maybe even the new one!
That's right, today marks the debut of the webternet's first audio-only vodcast!
A semi-regular feature here at the Castle, the Avod features the divemistress and myself disagreeing about the hot issues in modern genre fiction. Or at least the genre fiction of late August, because that's when the first episode was recorded. And one of the topics is a movie well over a year old that I just didn't get around to watching for quite a while.
But other than that, cutting edge.
So please, enjoy the Avod, which can be downloaded here!
Next time the issues we discuss will be ever so slightly more current: look forward to a discussion of Knight Rider! Maybe even the new one!
22.10.08
I Hate Indiana Jones: Day 51
Day 51: Indiana Jones and the Useless Motorcycle
When one looks at all of the terrible payoffs that Indiana Jones and Crystal Kingdom offered, it's easy to miss the big setup that lacked a payoff of any kind. Of course, I speak of Shia Laboeuf's motorcycle.
The character Mutt Williams is introduced riding his motorcycle. This is because the entire visual of the character, no, the entire conception of the character, really only makes sense when associated with motorcycles. Take him away from them, and he starts to look a little silly. Just look at Fonzie. Riding into Arnold's? Great. Strapping on waterskis? Cliche-definingly awful.
When one looks at all of the terrible payoffs that Indiana Jones and Crystal Kingdom offered, it's easy to miss the big setup that lacked a payoff of any kind. Of course, I speak of Shia Laboeuf's motorcycle.
The character Mutt Williams is introduced riding his motorcycle. This is because the entire visual of the character, no, the entire conception of the character, really only makes sense when associated with motorcycles. Take him away from them, and he starts to look a little silly. Just look at Fonzie. Riding into Arnold's? Great. Strapping on waterskis? Cliche-definingly awful.
21.10.08
CSI Tuesday!
So after last week, when the opening line was so drab that I didn't bother writing about it, CSI: Miami storms back with a vengeance, with Caruso punning his way into television history with one of the most inappropriate things to say at a crime scene ever!
The Scene: Some teen girls have traveled to the near future, where clothing stores have clear panels on the dressing room doors so that people can ogle you while you change, and the mirrors have been replaced by million-dollar wall-sized touchscreen technology that can show you what you'd look like in any outfit, in any location!
When one of the teen girls is killed after that selfsame touchscreen explodes, Horatio is called to the scene, along with the new medical examiner, whose name I haven't learned, and who hasn't made the opening credits, but whose habit of not gently fondling the hair of dead people has already endeared her to me more than Catherine from NewsRadio, who she's replacing.
Generic ME: Horatio, why target a fashion boutique? It seems too random.
Horatio Caine: On the contrary, this was by design.
The Scene: Some teen girls have traveled to the near future, where clothing stores have clear panels on the dressing room doors so that people can ogle you while you change, and the mirrors have been replaced by million-dollar wall-sized touchscreen technology that can show you what you'd look like in any outfit, in any location!
When one of the teen girls is killed after that selfsame touchscreen explodes, Horatio is called to the scene, along with the new medical examiner, whose name I haven't learned, and who hasn't made the opening credits, but whose habit of not gently fondling the hair of dead people has already endeared her to me more than Catherine from NewsRadio, who she's replacing.
Generic ME: Horatio, why target a fashion boutique? It seems too random.
Horatio Caine: On the contrary, this was by design.
20.10.08
I Hate Indiana Jones: Day 50
Day 50: Indiana Jones and the Freudian Interpretation
Today's problem isn't a very large one, but it is indicative of the kind of tone that the film was going for. My real problem is with that overall tone, and therefore these little details really irk me, since each once contributes in its own awful way to to the disastrous overall picture that is Indiana Jones and the Pyramid of the Plastic Head.
This particular scene occurs when Cate Blanchett arrives inside the Area 51 warehouse. Now, for the entire film up until this point Cate Blanchett has had a sword clipped to her belt. The average viewer might find this decision puzzling. After all, why on earth would someone would wear a sword in the middle of the desert during a secret military operation? It's not like she's in America to fight dragons, pirates, or Zorros. Any of those might have improved the film, but sadly, it wasn't to be. Add to this the fact that she spends a good portion of the scene climbing into and out of vehicles, and the sword becomes a ridiculous choice.
Today's problem isn't a very large one, but it is indicative of the kind of tone that the film was going for. My real problem is with that overall tone, and therefore these little details really irk me, since each once contributes in its own awful way to to the disastrous overall picture that is Indiana Jones and the Pyramid of the Plastic Head.
This particular scene occurs when Cate Blanchett arrives inside the Area 51 warehouse. Now, for the entire film up until this point Cate Blanchett has had a sword clipped to her belt. The average viewer might find this decision puzzling. After all, why on earth would someone would wear a sword in the middle of the desert during a secret military operation? It's not like she's in America to fight dragons, pirates, or Zorros. Any of those might have improved the film, but sadly, it wasn't to be. Add to this the fact that she spends a good portion of the scene climbing into and out of vehicles, and the sword becomes a ridiculous choice.
19.10.08
You Failed to Make A Movie: Alive or Dead
I don't know why I was expecting anything else. There's a reason slasher films go direct-to-video, after all, but this one was just unreasonably bad.
I'm not going to full describe the film as I usually do, because it's late and I'm tired, so I'm just going to use the magic of point form to lay out my problems with it:
I'm not going to full describe the film as I usually do, because it's late and I'm tired, so I'm just going to use the magic of point form to lay out my problems with it:
It turns out Andy Kaufman is defintiely dead.
II know this, because last night, Saturday Night Live killed him.
Here's the story, in short form: Recently, Andy Samberg did an uncanny impression of Mark Wahlberg in a sketch titled "Mark Wahlberg talks to animals". Here's a clip of it, along with Mark Wahlberg's flattered response:
Here's the story, in short form: Recently, Andy Samberg did an uncanny impression of Mark Wahlberg in a sketch titled "Mark Wahlberg talks to animals". Here's a clip of it, along with Mark Wahlberg's flattered response:
18.10.08
So now I have to have contempt for Garth Ennis as well.
I recently read the first issue of Garth Ennis' "Crossed", a new entry in the zombpocalypse genre, in which people desperately band together to flee from the ravening crowd. You may ask "Hey, Count, what separates this particular zombpocalypse comic from all the other ones out there in the market?" Well, in addition to being much worse written, its zombies aren't technically dead yet (like 28 Days Later - also terrible, By The Way), and unlike normal zombies, they absolutely love to rape! Yeah, they can't get enough of that rape. If you forced them to choose between raping and eating flesh, they wouldn't be able to, so instead they'd hit you with a hammer and then do both to you while you were unconscious.
I'm not shocked to see this show up in Garth Ennis' zombie comic, after all, his latest series "The Boys" deals primarily with super-powered rapists and the 'fellas' that work for the CIA and try to put them in their place. Sure, I found the rape scene objectionable, but it was just the unpleasnt cherry atop the worthless pie that is the rest of the comic.
I'm not shocked to see this show up in Garth Ennis' zombie comic, after all, his latest series "The Boys" deals primarily with super-powered rapists and the 'fellas' that work for the CIA and try to put them in their place. Sure, I found the rape scene objectionable, but it was just the unpleasnt cherry atop the worthless pie that is the rest of the comic.
17.10.08
I Hate Indiana Jones: Day 49
Day 49: Indiana Jones and the Lack of Scope
The film Raiders of the Lost Ark contains two images that I feel people associate with it more than any other. I'm not talking about action scenes, or fun exploding heads, or even glamour shots of Harrison Ford posing for promotional purposes. I'm speaking specifically about single frames that everyone takes away from the movie and identify with it more than any other image. The first, and it's no coincidence that this is the frame that you see more often than on any other when people want to show something from Raiders of the Lost Ark, is Indiana Jones crouched in front of the gold idol preparing to switch it for a bag of sand.
The second image is the one that closes the film: is a matte painting of the storage facility (which Crystal Skull identifies as "Area 51") where the Ark of the covenant is being housed. It's a captivating image that slyly suggests the futility of all Indy's death defying feats while at the same time leaving the audience with the slightly unsettling question of what other items of occult significance the government has stacked up in the facility.
The film Raiders of the Lost Ark contains two images that I feel people associate with it more than any other. I'm not talking about action scenes, or fun exploding heads, or even glamour shots of Harrison Ford posing for promotional purposes. I'm speaking specifically about single frames that everyone takes away from the movie and identify with it more than any other image. The first, and it's no coincidence that this is the frame that you see more often than on any other when people want to show something from Raiders of the Lost Ark, is Indiana Jones crouched in front of the gold idol preparing to switch it for a bag of sand.
The second image is the one that closes the film: is a matte painting of the storage facility (which Crystal Skull identifies as "Area 51") where the Ark of the covenant is being housed. It's a captivating image that slyly suggests the futility of all Indy's death defying feats while at the same time leaving the audience with the slightly unsettling question of what other items of occult significance the government has stacked up in the facility.
16.10.08
I Hate Indiana Jones: Day 48
Day 48: Indiana Jones and the Midnight Rocket Train
Today we go back to the beginning of the film and look at a sequence that is among the worst edited in recent memory. And by worst, I don't mean that it contains myriad continuity errors or is over cut to the point of incoherence like a Paul Greengrass Bourne movie, no I'm talking about bizarre editing creating huge lapses in time.
As the film opens it's noon or fairly close to it. We can determine this because the groundhog that pops its head up during the opening has almost no visible shadow. To give the filmmakers the benefit of the doubt we're going to assume that it's after noon here, somewhere in the vicinity of one o'clock. The main reason I'm giving this benefit of the doubt is that I don't have the necessary information I would need to nitpick any further, such as in which direction the driveway to Area 51 runs. Somehow I doubt googlemaps would be much help on this one.
Today we go back to the beginning of the film and look at a sequence that is among the worst edited in recent memory. And by worst, I don't mean that it contains myriad continuity errors or is over cut to the point of incoherence like a Paul Greengrass Bourne movie, no I'm talking about bizarre editing creating huge lapses in time.
As the film opens it's noon or fairly close to it. We can determine this because the groundhog that pops its head up during the opening has almost no visible shadow. To give the filmmakers the benefit of the doubt we're going to assume that it's after noon here, somewhere in the vicinity of one o'clock. The main reason I'm giving this benefit of the doubt is that I don't have the necessary information I would need to nitpick any further, such as in which direction the driveway to Area 51 runs. Somehow I doubt googlemaps would be much help on this one.
15.10.08
Count Vardulon's Picto-Quiz: AVP2!
There's more than a few things wrong with Aliens Versus Predator 2: Requiem, but today isn't about nitpicking myriad flaws. No, that's what every other day is for. Today, on the other hand, is all about reader participation.
In that spirit, I'd like to present the first-ever Castle Vardulon picto-quiz! Below you'll find a series of actual images reduced form actual screenshots captured from an actual DVD of the actual film AVP2:R. So what's the quiz? I have selected thirty-five moments from the film. A number of them have been flipped upside-down. Can you identify which ones they are? I've included descriptions of events transpiring in the pictures to help you out.
In that spirit, I'd like to present the first-ever Castle Vardulon picto-quiz! Below you'll find a series of actual images reduced form actual screenshots captured from an actual DVD of the actual film AVP2:R. So what's the quiz? I have selected thirty-five moments from the film. A number of them have been flipped upside-down. Can you identify which ones they are? I've included descriptions of events transpiring in the pictures to help you out.
I Hate Indiana Jones: Day 47
Day 47: Indiana Jones and the Deja Kung Fu
As I've mentioned in a previous entry, the Zombie Monkey Kung Fu Indians weren't a great idea. That being said, I'm sure they would have been more bearable had they not been so bafflingly repetitive. There's a simple rule to go by if you're going to put something odd, or stupid, or cheap in a movie: If it absolutely has to be there, get it onscreen, get it out of the way quickly, and then move on. And whatever you do, if it was ridiculous the first time, don't bring it back. Heck, even things that were absolutely wonderful the first time in a film can find themselves giving off a stink of increativity the second time around.
As I've mentioned in a previous entry, the Zombie Monkey Kung Fu Indians weren't a great idea. That being said, I'm sure they would have been more bearable had they not been so bafflingly repetitive. There's a simple rule to go by if you're going to put something odd, or stupid, or cheap in a movie: If it absolutely has to be there, get it onscreen, get it out of the way quickly, and then move on. And whatever you do, if it was ridiculous the first time, don't bring it back. Heck, even things that were absolutely wonderful the first time in a film can find themselves giving off a stink of increativity the second time around.
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