Castle Vardulon presents: The notes I made while watching The Thing (2011)

- Why did they fly to America? Couldn't they have just sent for her?
- Also, since they found a tunnel leading down to a wholly intact alien spaceship, shouldn't their first priority be to secure it and bring down a sufficiently large team of experts to investigate it?
- I've got to say, for a ship that crashed in Antarctica, it's in remarkably good condition.

- Why are you acting like the EBE is the important find that you have to investigate and document immediately? It's a frigging ice cube. For all you know there could be ten dozen living Things in that perfectly preserved spaceship, waiting to be woken up from their sleep pods.
- Wow, did it make far more sense in the story/original when they accidentally destroyed the spaceship while trying to melt their way down to it. With no spaceship to examine, of course the Thing is the most important find in human history. If there's a just-off-the-lot stadium-sized spaceship lying around, however, who cares about a single alien?
- The thing escapes? What? Did they thaw it out?
- So it can instantly generate grappling hook spears? Is this a Mortal Kombat character suddenly?
- I'm confused - between escaping and getting burned, when did the Thing have any time to replicate anyone? This isn't like The Thing where the dog has all day to replicate Norris/Palmer, depending on what your theory is.
- Are you seriously talking like you want to keep this a secret? You should be shouting this from the rooftops: it's an amazing discovery!
- Wait, why did you attack inside the helicopter? How does causing it to crash improve your odds of survival?
- I can't stress enough how the Thing doesn't have enough alone time with people in this movie to replicate them. It's not like Fuchs' theory was right - it can't poison you with a cell and gradually take you over - so when is all this changing happening?
- I'm confused about the Thing's endgame in this scene: does it not realize that people are going to hear when it starts making screeching sounds two rooms away from everyone else? Also, when it's torn its own and Mary's clothes apart in the envelopment, how is it going to find new ones?
- Hey, wait - why didn't she just bust out some of those grappling hooks when everyone was unarmed and unprepared in that group setting, if that's something she can do?
- This is something The Thing understood, that The Thing simply doesn't - by giving The Thing clear limitations on its abilities, and a comprehensible physiology, it was far scarier than just having the Thing be able to do whatever the scene requires.
- Okay, so they survived the crash, but no one's going to talk about what happened with the Thing that was on the chopper? Seems like a loose end.
- Um, Mary - you saw that in order for the Thing to envelop someone, it needs to basically tear everything to shreds and spray blood everywhere. Do you think that they had a spare set of clothes in the helicopter? Half-wit.
- Why are you sitting at a table, 'working out a test'? You just said that you were going to drop people's blood in with uncontaminated blood and look for a reaction. You already figured out what the test was. Shouldn't you all be in a room DOING the test?
- Okay, you've done the ridiculous 'iron fillings' test - why are you now splitting up again: and doing so without restraining the suspected guys in any meaningful way?
- Man, I bet the Thing is really pissed he didn't attack back when everyone was unarmed, huh?
- Yeah, tearing off arm? Nowhere near as impressive as Norris' chest.
- Oh, good, another super-strong grappling hook arm - why does he wait before pulling that thing out?
-  Hey, remember when the Thing had to put in some effort to transform, and wasn't super-competent in its new form instantaneously? That made a lot of sense, didn't it?
- It fully copied the guy in just minutes without damaging his clothes? Seriously?
- Wow, does that not look like split-face guy.
- Wait... the spaceship WORKS? Why didn't any of the things go there at literally any point in the story up until now?
- You're telling me the thing managed to simultaneously copy the American guy and also be a flesh pillar in the control room? Explain, please.
- Hey, um, American guy? Why aren't you killing her? You have a flamethrower, she has nothing, and you've got no reason not to kill her, what with you knowing you're a thing, while she doesn't.
- If the thing knows about the 'fillings' situation, and there's no reason it shouldn't, why didn't it put the earring back in? And don't tell me it doesn't - the thing that took the American guy over knew about it, and this guy clearly knows he's the Thing.
- You let her live so she'd have a chance to gloat about how clever she is for figuring it out? What?!
- So she's fine? That's the ending? She was okay, then drove to a Russian base? Why not drive back to her own base?
- Wow, that was a disappointment.
- Hold on, why did that guy kill himself when the threat was gone? There really wasn't enough character work in this movie.
- Oh, The Thing (2011), you can't offer a single reason that anyone should ever watch you, rather than 'The Thing', can you?

What's going on with classic video box art? (part 2)

Okay, last time I looked over the bizarrely cheap new art that Prince of Darkness had been saddled with on Netflix. As if that wasn't bad enough, take a look at the monstrosity that The Thing (one of our greatest movie posters), now has representing it to the world:

Is it an issue of having to re-license the art? Because I can't imagine anyone looking at the second box and imagining it was an improvement.

Now take a look at what's going on with Friday the 13th, according to Netflix.

This is more of a hit-and-miss situation, actually. I'd like to get offended about all of the changes, but some of them were actually for the better. I would have liked them to hold onto the first three posters as-is, but truth be told, the change they made to The Final Chapter didn't really hurt things much - the old one was classier, but a few bloody flames never hurt anyone.

Then five and six are just bizarre - five is a huge improvement over the classic poster, although still inferior to the teaser image I loved so well. Six, on the other hand, is just a generic mess. What the hell is Jason doing using a machete for a backhanded stab? Despite how Jason likes to use it, the thing doesn't really even have a sharp point!

Things proceed to get weird with seven and eight - who could have predicted that New Blood would join the original as the only movie to have its poster untouched. Eight, on the other hand, presents us with an example of Netflix actually undoing a historical tragedy - that poster was famously pulled back in the 80s when New York's tourism board threatened to sue, but twenty years later no one cares any more, and it's been restored to its rightful place as the face of Jason Takes Manhattan!

God, next thing you know they're going to mess with A Nightmare on Elm Street's poster, possibly the single most iconic 80s horror-

What the hell, people?

I'm Unsure as to Why John Carpenter Hasn't Sued the Makers of Methodic

Also James Cameron might have a case, but just for one scene.

When I read the synopsis of Methodic, I was full-on stunned. Let's take a gander at it together, shall we?

“As a child, Nicholas Matthews (Stephen Muzzonigro) became possessed by a malevolent entity called the Dollman, who drove him to murder his parents. After years in a mental institution, Nicholas seems to have finally overcome the demon inside him. But the Dollman has only remained dormant, waiting for the perfect opportunity to take control of Nicholas once again and drive him to slaughter the innocent. Niki Notarile co-stars in this paranormal shocker.”

My initial reaction, as it necessarily must have been, was shock that someone had remade Halloween without licensing the rights. It's not like this is a completely unheard-of phenomenon, the movie 'Halloween Night' claimed to be based on a true story, which was accurate insofar as it's true that the movie Halloween was made, the filmmakers saw it, and then decided to turn a profit by ripping it off. Halloween Night at least went to the effort of mixing things up a little while committing criminal acts of plagiarism - there were some gratuitous lesbians, a bloated cast of teens at a party, a new needlessly convoluted backstory... enough changes so that the filmmakers could have offered a plausible defense in court should John Carpenter have decided to sue them.

They wouldn't have won the case, of course, but at least they could have made a decent showing.

Methodic doesn't even put in that much effort. Save the gratuitous lesbians, of course. Now, let's break Methodic's various sins against originality and filmmaking into a few different categories for easier consumption.

The Makers of Alien Raiders would like you to know...

That they’ve seen “John Carpenter’s The Thing”

Seriously, that’s the only piece of information that they would like you to have. Based on the film I just watched, it may be the only piece of information that they actually possess. How do I know this?

Let me remind you of something – You know that scene from The Thing where Kurt Russell ties everyone up in the rec room so he can prove, through his blood test, who’s an alien and who isn’t?

Cool scene, right? Yeah, I know.

So why am I reminding you of that scene? To save you the 90 minutes it would take to watch Alien Raiders. Because the film only exists to remind you of how great that scene was.

It's an Avod Saturday!

Why so late, you may ask - well, it turns out that this is the first time I've ever had to really edit something, and I'm very bad at doing that. So there we are. But it's here now, and with a new Avod just some five days away, it's like you're getting 2 this week!

So download away!

Who wants Avod?

No one? Damn, because there's a new one available here, through the magic of right clicking and saving-as technology. If you'd like to reconsider, we'd be honored to have you hear it. Also, you might want to check out theavod's blog, available from that bar on the right side of the screen.

TheAvod Forever!

Avod Friday!

Just in time to get ready for the final episodes of Harper's Island, here's theAvod's discussion of Harper's Globe! For our American viewers, anyway. Our Canadian audience will find it woefully out of date. Oh, and American viewers, you might not want to read the post directly below this one until Sunday. Just FYI.

Also, we, along with our producer Mer-Man, take a little time to talk about Knowing and In the Mouth of Madness as well.

You can download the episode right here, through a little of the old right-click-save-as business.

Show Notes!

Dissatisfied with his explanations on the show, Mer-Man sent me an essay with a little more detail about the philosophies behind Knowing - here it is, in its entirety:

Exhibit A: Cage visited the German city of Goerlitz in 2006 just because he was interested in it's connection to the somewhat unconventional, early 17^th century Lutheran mystic Jacob Boehme (AD 1575-1624). Cage's sojourn is briefly mention in this article from the Herald Sun.

This I take as more than sufficient evidence that Cage is quite enamored with Boehme and his particular theology and this would all have been going on little more than a year before “Knowing” went into production.

Exhibit B: Boehme's theology, borrowed partially from the theories of (the also unconventional) Jewish, Kabbalist & Rabi Isaac Luria (AD1534-1572), suggested that God in the beginning was infinite, filling all space and therefore to create anything He first had to make room by contracting himself, thereby providing available space in which to create the universe. By creating “otherness” He (God) attained a greater degree of self-knowledge as he now understood Himself in terms of what He was not. In some interpretations of Boehme's writing, the fall of Adam and Eve is taken as a good or at least necessary thing for all parties involved to achieve self-knowledge. In becoming separated from God, Adam and Eve can comprehend both their own individuality as well as God's status as creator, this part of the process then leads to the next stage, their desire to return to God, an act that completes both God and Mankind. This also figures into Boehme's Christology. Boiling it down to its most simplistic the formula is this: For Father to be Father, the Son must become something separate from the Father, For the Son to be the Son, the Son must know the Father, to find ultimate fulfillment the two must reintegrate. This is clearly the plot of “Knowing.” Cage, estranged from his own father and all out of faith can only return to his Father and regain his faith, when he is able to let go of his own Son.

Exhibit C: Boehme, went against the grain of orthodox Christian theology by denying that man is reconciled to God ultimately through Grace alone but rather through this process of “Knowing.” Cage's sister in “Knowing” is named Grace she is still in contact with their Dad.

Exhibit D: Boehme's theology also dealt greatly with the “wheel within a wheel” passage from the book of Ezekiel. Though, on the one hand, this could be in the movie because it is popular with “ancient astronaut” theorists, I think, given all the evidence I've piled up here, it could also pertain to Cage's interest in Jacob Boehme.

Exhibit E: Boehme also compared God's presence in the world to reflected light, the little girl at the beginning who starts the story is named Lucinda Embry. Lucinda means “Light.”

That's 5, count em, 5 exhibits!

Also, just for the record I'm not finding any of this because I love Boehme's theology, I happen to disagree with much of it. For example the error of Boehme and Luria is the presupposition that spacial dimensionality was co-eternal with the Fundamental Principle of Reality (ie: God), hence their assertion that God would need to contract himself to “make room” before he could create. Anyway my own philosophical mincing about is irrelevant to the issue at hand, that “Knowing” is totally clearly about Boehme. Nobody needs to let this effect their enjoyment or lack there of, of the film, I just feel the need to point this out so I can continue to kid myself into thinking my education up until this point hasn't been a total waste.

Avod Wednesday!

There's a new Avod for all y'all to listen to!

It can be found here!

Enjoy some spirited discussions about Harper's Island, Skinwalkers, and the third-best John Carpenter movie, Prince of Darkness!

Avod Friday! The Disturbing List!

This week on the Avod the Divemistress and myself address the pressing issues of the day, like whether Christine was a good movie, and just how badly IGN botched their list of the 15 most disturbing movies ever made.

If you'd like to find out what those films are, you can always listen to the avod by heading over to its blog, right-clicking and downloading here, or just going to IGN and finding the list for yourself.

Actually, on second thought, don't do that last one, please.

Show Notes!

Harper's Island starts on April 9th on CBS at 10PM, Eastern Standard Time . If you're wondering where it plays in your area, please check your local listings - and then get ready to join in with the Avod and the great 'figure out who the killer is-a-thon!'

The Avod: This One Goes Out To You!

This week on the Avod, the Divemistress and myself discuss Escape From New York, her recent decision to stop watching Fringe, and popular film of the moment, 'Jumper'.

You can download the audio file here, or listen to it over the internet by clicking on the Avod's blog over there on the right side of the screen near the top.

P.S. - In Re: The DM's assertion that the time zones make sense in the final showdown at the end of the film, I've started working up the article about it (look for it Monday), and she's totally, utterly wrong. Just completely wrong.

Really, really, wrong.

Sunday Afternoon Avod!

Welcome to another episode of the Avod, the Internet's sole audio-only Vodcast!

This time around, we go in-depth in our discussion of DiveMistress' John Carpenter project, while I discuss some of the myriad problems that Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles offers to anyone foolish enough to view it.

Enjoy! By right-clicking the word Enjoy back there and then saving the file and listening to it!

Early Friday Morning Avod!

On today's Avod, the Divemistress and myself discuss Midnight Meat Train, our new ongoing projects, and many, many, many tangents!

Enjoy! By clicking here! And downloading it to a folder! Then using a mediaplayer or portable audio device to listen to it! Yeah!