5.6.14

Adventures in Fake Journalism: Community 503

So Community's gone, it seems. I'm sad to see it go, since that fifth season was just incredible from beginning to end. A true return to form, which suffered only from a truncated length that robbed the creative staff of the time necessary to build touching character arcs. Still, it had some amazing sequences, including Vince Gilligan's VCR game host, Chang's ghost story, and of course, the bear dance. It also had the subject of today's post, a series-high episode about a certain "Ass-Crack Bandit", who went from one-time joke back in season 2 to the subject of an extended David Fincher riff.

Which, naturally, brings me to the fake journalism about that character, which - spoiler alert - is some of the best fake journalism I've ever encountered.

So let's get started!


"ASS CRACK BANDIT" TERRORIZES CAMPUS
by Ray Crenshaw

After much debate, it's been settled. All three of Greendale's newspapers have agreed to the moniker "Ass Crack Bandit" for all future stories regarding the coin-dropping case. The decision was made just after 2 a.m. this morning during a twelve-hour summit at the local Denny's.

Amazing. The first article is a meta-joke about journalism. Bravo, Community!


PRANKSTER DROPS COIN DOWN BACK OF STUDENT'S PANTS

Thursday afternoon a Greendale student who-

Sadly, this one only appears during a fade, so only the headline and part of one sentence are visible.


Coin Dropper Claims Third Victim

Early Sunday morning, another student experienced what is becoming an ugly phenomenon at Greendale. Kendall Montiel was walking through the quad when someone slid a quarter down the back of her pants. She is the fifth Greendale student in the past month to report being violated in such a way.

Returning from an off-campus party, Montiel said that she stopped to pick up a piece of trash that had been carelessly left in the middle of the walkway.

"I was furious," Montiel said. "I mean, Earth Day was was less than six weeks ago, how could someone been so careless?"

As she bent over to pick up the trash, she (cut off) coin was quickly and efficiently dropped between-

I so want to read the rest of this article. They're putting so much work into these!


Three More Students Cracked
THE ASS CRACK BANDIT SLOTS THREE MORE STUDENTS

DeMarcus Chen-Santuchi was walking across the annex parking lot when he was struck by the serial cracker. Chen-Santuchi had stayed late to talk to a professor. When he got back to his car, he noticed a flier on the windshield. He went to remove it, and the Bandit struck. The next the knew, a 1999 Delaware quarter had been deposited in his-

"I was mad as hell," Chen-Santuchi said.

Wow. I agree with the writers - that's a hilarious name.

FOUNTAIN POOPER CAUGHT!
Could He Be The Ass Crack Bandit?

It started like any other afternoon shift for campus security guard Josh Laolagi. "I was doing my rounds, texting my girlfriend, we've been going through some stuff lately, when something caught my eye."

Laolagi, a former high school track star, knew at that moment something wasn't right. He told his girlfriend BRB and sprung into action. "I didn't even think. I just let my training take over. It was all muscle memory." Laolagi radioed for back up and took cover behind a nearby tree. About thirty feet , crouched over the edge of Greendale's beautiful Muchnick memorial fountain, a man was defecating.

The "Fountain Pooper" has been active in and around the Greendale campus for the last three months, since an unnamed chemistry teacher discovered a towel movement in a west campus drinking fountain in April. After several more incidents, as well as lab work that proved definitively the fecal matter was linked, the culprit became the number one priority of Greendale's security force. Laolagi, a junior guard with only six months experience at his job, knew the case well. "It was all anyone was talking about.-

Amazing. Now, the second side!

FOUNTAIN POOPER CLEARED IN ASS CRACK BANDIT CASE

As the Ass Crack Bandit continues to grab headlines amdist an eight-month cracking spree, the public memory of a similar string of campus attacks has nearly faded. And that's just how Danny Rothstein wants to keep it. "I don't know why you think I can help you."

Rothstein said through the screen door of his Brookfield studio apartment. It was only a year ago, when Rothstein himself was garnering the same kind of attention with his actions. But Rothstein says that's the only connection between the two cases.

"I was off my meds and drinking a lot at the time. I don't even remember doing it really. What - what can I possibly tell you that's gonna make a difference?" Authorities were seeking insight into Rothstein's motives in hopes of building a profile of the alleged serial coin dropper.

"I'm not even a student anymore. Is it even still okay to ask me questions about stuff?" As Rothstein continued to stonewall inquiry, he curiously never asked us to leave his property. "I just think he's a lonely guy with a lot of serious emotional stuff he needs to work through," says neighbot Wendy Dillon. She hadn't been aware of the Fountain Pooper case, but it doesn't surprise her. "Yeah, Danny is a weird dude... So, he what, he like, took a crap in a bunch of fountains or something?"

With seven crackings in as many weeks, authorities are desperate for any lead. "It's not a matter of if the A.C.B. will be caught, but when," said Josh Laolagi, the lead security guard on the case. He puts on a confident public face amidst the chaos of the past few months, but insiders say he has hit a dead end. "Laolagi spends most of the time on his phone texting with his girlfriend. They're always fighting, bro." On top of that, the administration is still offering no assistance in the case. "The dean still hasn't formally- (cut off) -this is the work of one person. Officially, this is-

So yeah, that was a whole story being told in two news stories.


HUMAN BEINGS LOSE 21-4; GAME FURTHER MARRED BY SEVENTH-INNING CRACKING

It was a barnburner at Greendale's Jose Canseco memorial baseball field. The Human Beings beat City College one to zero in the twelfth inning. Human Beings pitcher Russell Jennings celebrated on the field with his signature celebration dance, a nude version of The Worm. Jennings, "We won! We finally beat somebody!"

The celebrations did not last long because in the stands the Ass Crack Bandit struck again. Donald Berl, a 19-year-old, got a quarter slotted down his lower back in the middle of the seventh inning stretch. The timing couldn't have been more tragic as most Greendale baseball fans yelp in pain as they stretch from a lifetime of inactivity and near constant snacking. Jennings, "We just thought that guy was just another one of our really out of shape fans."

Berl was taken to the nurser where the coin was removed from his buttocks and logged with security officials as evidence. This incident marks the first time the Ass Crack Bandit has slotted someone-

Our first problem - the headline has a different score that the story - and Annie made a note about the score being significant because it equals a quarter! Now, a bonus headline!

Dean Denies Existence of Ass Crack Bandit
"Why Don't You Ask me About Unicorns Next?"

Oh, the Dean.


ONE YEAR LATER: WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE ASS CRACK BANDIT?
Wednesday Marks Anniversary of Last Campus Cracking

A flag flies on the Greendale Campus at half-mast today. Freshmen listen in horror to stories of the events of last year, in disbelief that such a crime of nature should occur on any college campus. Morning announcements were somber and remembering, concluding with a moment of silence for the students who suffered so greatly at the hand of the so-called "Ass Crack Bandit."

I'd love to cover the article on the left, but we're missing half of the column, and the one above is out of focus, so no luck there.


Ass Crack Bandit in Hiding?
NO CRACKINGS IN TWO MONTHS

There's at least two more articles we can't read at all! Grr!

Now, some elements of the theoretical cyborgcat!


TITANIUM MANDIBULAR IMPLANTS - DIGITAL SCENT DETECTION ENHANCEMENTS - SPRING BASED LINKAGE ALLOWS FOR (blurred) REACH IN  (?) - PISTON BASED FORE LIMB SKELETAL REPLACEMENT - ORIGINAL FELINE LIVING EPIDERMIS - POWER TRANSFER CONDUIT - LATERAL EXHAUST PORT

And finally, Jonathan Banks' scrapbook of his own criminal investigation!


POLICE DEPARTMENT PURGED IN WAKE OF RIPPER CASE
No Arrest Made - Suspect Still At Large

RIVERSIDE, CO - After years of unsuccessfully pursuing the Black River Ripper, the Riverside Police Department is terminating several officers involved in the case. While no specific acts of negligence have been cited, RPD spokeswoman Connie Guiterrez stated that "internal investigations are under way. Sources close to the investigation indicate that at least two of the lead detectives in the Ripper case are being investigated for mismanaging evidences and improper (?) of a criminal informant. Whether or not this had any material effect on the pursuit of the Green River Ripper is still unclear.

Though the Ripper has been quiet since is or her last confirmed victim was found late last April, scores of calls have been phoned in to local police tip lines. Police representatives report that they have followed up on scores of leads with no solid results. It has been suggested that most of these calls have been made in an effort to cash in on the recently announced cash reward of $5000 offered by civic leaders.

Given the Ripper's established patter of meticulous preparation of his or her crime scenes, the investigators have found it easy to dismiss many of the purported claims.

Questions regarding allegations of missing evidence and falsified witness statements have thus far gone unanswered. The current allegations are under investigation by a state appointed internal review board-

So that's it - all of the visible text from Community's Ass-Crack Bandit episode. It's not really surprising that a show this concerned with precise detail would do one of the best-ever jobs at fake journalism, is it?

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