Live-noting A Nightmare on Elm Street!

As an accompaniment to the recent Freddy-themed AVOD, here are the notes I took while sitting in a darkened theatre, watching that monstrous failure of a film. If you're looking forward to a feature-length review, it's going to have to wait until I've been able to buy the DVD.

I refuse to fully review the movie without screenshots of Freddy's awful makeup.

So, with little further ado, here's the exhaustively-transcribed pages!

- What’s going on with the opening credits? Shouldn’t it just be the chalk? Or did the unions complain about their names not being legible?
- Is that the diner from part 4?
- shouldn’t his hand hurt like a lot?
- Are they seriously showing Freddy in good lighting five minutes into this movie, totally giving away his appearance?
- This is like F13 all over again, with Jason kind of just casually rambling around.
- The movie was almost entirely dependent on people being frightened by loud claws.
- They’re driving to Elm street! Which is played like it’s meaningful, although it’s never really clear that this is where those kids live.
- Did she put on jeans and boots to go to her garage? Also, she doesn’t know how shirts work.
- I know the Freddy pushing through the wall was a NOES effect, but they went all ‘frighteners’ with the liquid wall. Also, it didn’t look any more real than the frighteners, which is odd, 14 years later.
- His face is completely flat. Like a plate.
- You know, if they were going to be so open with displaying his look, shouldn’t they have created a look that was at all frightening?
- I feel like almost all of his lines were written later and looped in.
- You know what’s an appropriate image for a website about sleep disorders? Goya’s ‘Chronos devouring his children’.
- People in this movie are really good at sleeping sitting up.
- Freddy doesn’t like subtlety. What he does like is standing just to the left or right of frame.
- they don’t remember going to school together? Even though they continued going to school with each other?
- So what, the flashbacks are taking place in 1960? Or the 1980s?
- He lived in the school? They seem to have confused Freddy with Groundskeeper Willy.
- Are they remaking NOES, or the Simpsons parody thereof?
- ‘You children were his whole life’ But then it turned out you were his whole life, but with a more sinister connotation! Seriously, if you were a parent, telling their child a story about how they were molested and then forgot, would you try to put a clever twist onto your wording?
- Also, what part of the story was she telling? Because after finding out about the four slashes across the back, why would Beaver go on to assume that they’d been lying as children?
- Seriously, why does Beaver think they lied? Why isn’t Nancy jumping in with a ‘Um, yeah, you know he attempted to molest me in my nightmare, right? It seems like he wouldn’t have done that if he wasn’t a molester in the first place.'
- What are you gonna use, Skeleton power?
- He thinks Freddy was innocent and they lied because Freddy said he didn’t do it when people were coming to kill him? So he’ll torture and murder you in your sleep, but he’d never lie?
- Seriously, they’ve never talked about where they went to school before?
- The fact that none of these people are friends is really hurting the proceedings.
- If you headbutt your camera it doesn’t go to static.
- Why is she drawing Xs on their faces? Is she going to forget that they’re dead? Shouldn’t she be crossing out the names on the back?
- Seriously? No one noticed twelve dead kids who all went to the same preschool?
- That’s some terrible CGI on disappearing bodybag girl.
- Yeah, no one knows how to wear a shirt in this movie.
- Excellent not screaming when you’re burned. Is that possible?
- Why did they go to the hospital at all?
- Wow, it so profoundly wasn’t hard to find his evil cave.
- Wait, this is just supposed to be his apartment? Did the creepy drawings and half-made murder gloves not tip anyone off?
- Oh, and the room was right there. When Clancy Brown said that they never found the molestation chamber, I guess I was silly to assume that they actually, you know, looked for it.
- Why are you sitting down, moron? You’re supposed to be not sleeping!
- I love that they had no plan. ‘We’ll drag him into the real world, and then hopefully two spindly sleep-deprived teens will be able to take a zombie serial rapist in a fist fight! Did we mention that he has a murderhand?’
- Yes, because burning him worked so well the first time. No doubt the second it will be equally as good at killing him. Morons.

(Then, on the way out of the theatre...)

- The poster's tagline is ‘Welcome to your New Nightmare’ – almost as if it’s bragging about the fact that it has no interest in being its own movie.