Saturday Night Live RapeWatch: Charlie Day Edition

Another week, another episode from the newly clean and perpetually mediocre Saturday Night Live. This week's host was Charlie Day, of film and television fame! Yes, I just didn't want to type out the super-long title of his show. Sue me. He was an excellent host, however, both getting laughs from his standard gag of gradually increasing the volume of his yells, and displaying a heretofore unknown ability to ape Dane Cook's voice and mannerisms. Kudos to you, Chalie Day!

It was a homophobia-light week, with no instances thereof, and just one rape joke, which I'm going to give them a pass on. Why? Because it was used as a background line in a sketch about how the Greek gods are reacting to the financial crisis. It's true, a lot of their mythology revolves around gods turning into animals and raping women that turn out to be their relatives. What I can't give them a pass on is the terrible history - many jokes are made about the fact that the Greek Pantheon seems to have a god for everything except the economy. But they did have a god of that - Hermes. As god of trade (and commerce?) I'm fairly sure the economy is within his wheelhouse. It's an easy enough fix as well - just mention that since Hermes was overworked (he's the god of A LOT of things), he handed responsibility over to Dionysus (or is it Bacchus? Those are the two I can never keep straight), and they get to the ending the sketch required.

Now, the numbers!

Rape: 0
Homophobia: 0

Bravo, SNL! Unless I missed something. Full disclosure, I may have fallen asleep during part of the episode.

Next Week: I have no idea! Remember when I said I may have fallen asleep? Yeah, well apparently I missed the 'next time on' during that lapse which may or may not have happened.

Criminal Minds 522: The Internet is Forever

Apparently this week, the internet is forever! Ooooooh! Spoooooky! I know that's a childish way to mock it, but come on, that's such a silly thing to say. It's like saying books are forever or an idea is forever. The internet, like all things, is there until it's not. It's bigger than most, but no less ephemeral. So, now, with all that depressingness out of the way, let's talk about serial killers!

A murderer has broken into someone's house and set up cameras so that there can be classy black and white footage of them creeping inside and murdering them, Michael Myers-style.

Hopefully this will be distinct from the time James Van Der Beek was using cameras in people's houses to case the joint before murdering them.

Okay, there's a twist - we don't know if there are killings yet, because according to JJ none of the three bodies haven't turned up, nor has footage of the crimes showed up on youtube. Let's pause though, for a moment, to consider Reid's new haircut.

Is it just me, or has his personal appearance reached a point where his supervisor needs to talk to him? I know this is a poorly-disciplined team, with Derek too-often wearing Ts, while JJ and Emily keep shirts untucked, making it impossible to wear a holster on their hip, but this is just beyond the pale. Reid now officially looks like an armed homeless man who's just following the team around.

Adventures in terrible web Advertising

Look, I know that these ads are progressively generated as they pop up on my screen, and that the same one shows for every city - just because I'm near Ottawa, 'Ottawa' becomes part of the headline. What's less explicable is the use of the word 'best' to describe a restaurant that would serve this:

Seriously... what the hell is that thing? I see fried chicken, gravy, bacon, processed cheese... I've got flat-out no idea what the white slab is. Veal? And what manner of bun is that? Dear lord, people - if you ever see something like this on a menu, run far and fast.

Who on earth was putting together an ad campaign and thought to themselves "Yes - that's the perfect foodstuff to excite people about our promotions!"? Whoever they were, they deserve to be fired. And then to be forced to eat one of those abominations.

TheAvod PlaceHolder!

It seems that theme shows are incredibly difficult things to organize! We go to all the trouble of arranging a fake documentary/found footage show, but then technical issues keep DM from being able to see one of the movies! Luckily the other two were about haunted asylums, and it's really, really not hard to come up with a third movie about a haunted asylum.

What was that third movie? For that matter, what were the other two? Find out by right-clicking here to download this week's episode!

The Seventy-Seventh-Greatest Panel in the History of Comics!

An important thing to remember about the '40s: Perspective had yet to be invented.

Tales From the Darkside 307: Heretic

The episode opens in a rich man's loft - his employee has brought him the latest container of purloined antiquity. It seems the rich man is a dealer in such things, especially the rare and macabre. At first the contents seem like a disappointment, but then, beneath a false bottom, he discovers a rendering of a satanic ritual!

The rich man is pleased with the quality of the piece, and anticipates turning it over for a large sum of money. Hearing about that prospect, the worker asks for a little raise in his percentage. The rich man, naturally, isn't interested in that idea, and instead tells the worker that the only way he'll ever be successful is if he figures out some way to screw someone over and take their action. Which is completely advice you want to give someone in this situation.

How to Ruin Your Own Movie: Tucker and Dale vs. Evil

Tucker and Dale opens with a faux-verite sequence in which a pair of newspeople have gone to the scene of a massacre to do some investigating on their own. For some reason, they've gone in the middle of the night. Anyhoo, they both get murdered by this guy:

And then it cuts to:

Well, first off, it's "Three Days Earlier", since the movie isn't taking place on the day I'm watching it - that wouldn't make sense - more importantly, though, moments later we're introduced to the college kids who are headed out into the wild for the week, and among their number is this guy:

Who's obviously the killer from the opening sequence. Which means that we've had the film's entire narrative arc (college guy goes progressively more nuts, bedeviling the main character, until he's almost killed, but survives at the encounter) spoiled for us.

Thanks for ruining all the surprises the film had to offer, filmmakers.

Still, though, quality movie, you'd just be better off skipping the first minute.

The Dumbest Chyron ever!

Just moments into the terrible film Resurrection County we get a look at this sign, establishing both the film's title and its location:

Then second later, the following appears onscreen:

Seriously? We know where in Arkansas this is set. It's set in Resurrection County. Did you not see the sign? It's right there on the edge of frame.

Criminal Minds 521: Exit Wounds

Some fishermen are working away on a boat, beheading fish, as you do. The female one of the pair makes the mistake of letting the male one go home early, so when she's left alone on the dock a murderer is able to rush up and kill her! And when I say 'rush up', I mean teleport in front of, like he's Jason or something. She actually gets to say 'oh, it's you' and be relieved before the stabbing. So we're well into slasher-movie territory this week.

Then it's over to Washington, where JJ and Emily are on a coffee run, debating whether the latter should go out with Mick, who apparently was flirting with her a couple of weeks back. Since that show went nowhere, I'm guessing their relationship didn't either. Garcia then shows up with shopping bags, leading to some comedy about her spoiling JJ's son! Hilarious.

Everyone is gathers in the office to hear about the case - and when we discover the details, it turns out that the opening scare could never have happened. Why? Because the woman who was murdered turned down the opportunity to have her shipmate wait around and escort her to her car. She scoffed at the idea, in fact. Why is this unbelievable? Because she was the third victim in five days. In a town of 1500 people. You're only allowed to laugh off the idea of being stabbed to death by a stranger on your way home from work if that exact thing hasn't happened to two people you know in the last four days.

If ever there was a situation where you'd start using the buddy system and being careful after dark, it's this one.

It's weird how the writers don't seem to understand how the murders that get committed would effect the larger world. It's most notable in small-town cases, where people are never as alarmed and hyper-vigilant as they would be afterwards, but also the subway shooter was completely mishandled.

Okay, the point is that they're flying to Alaska and Garcia's coming with them. There's some nonsense about wanting to make sure she keeps them hooked up to a satellite that Greg has tasked to handle their computer traffic while they're in the field. Really? That's the kind of thing they can do to hunt a serial killer? Seems like a stretch. Especially when you only need to handle a lot of computer traffic because you're bringing Garcia with you. Wouldn't it make more sense to just call her on your satellite phones when you need something, and have her tap into the mainframe right there in the FBI building?

As they fly in there's a little conversation about the varied races and genders of the victims, which leads to Joe saying something that's both horrible and completely inaccurate. Since the killer went from shooting with a rifle to stabbing with an arrow he announces that the killer probably didn't 'get what he wanted' from the long-distance kills. Nothing wrong there, but then he goes on to explain that because the last victim was an attractive woman, that means the stabbing was a substitute rape. Which creates an unpleasant and dangerous associate between someone's attractiveness and their likelihood of being a victim of sexual violence. Wow, should Joe know better than that.

Some nonsense ensues when they they reach the docks. Here is the plane they were traveling in from Anchorage to Franklin:

Now check out how many people supposedly get out:

All seven team members, a pilot, co-pilot, and their luggage. That's not a tiny plane, but it doesn't have room for nine people and a bunch of computer equipment either. how difficult would it be to announce that the rest of the team was going to be on the next plane in? That would go a long way toward explaining why it's Derek who introduces himself and the  team to the local deputy. Actually, that's really odd... was this script originally written to take place during the brief window when Derek was in charge?

On the subject of the Simpsons-

Okay, apparently Marge is really, really good at counting. In the episode "Homer Badman", while the family is decorating the set of the public access studio before Homer's speech, Grandpa Simpson elects to hang an American flag behind him.

Marge turns and announces that the flag has just 49 stars - this is followed by Grandpa's joke, but let's consider Marge's accomplishment for a moment. She noticed a missing star on a flag she'd never seen before in something like 1.5 seconds. Is that even possible?

Also, the flag has 38 stars.

TheAvod Gets Canadian!

Well, at least 1/3rd of it anyhow. Although I'm not sure about Hell Night - maybe? Anyhoo, it's completely something that must be listened to immediately, and it's possible to do so by right-clicking here!

What's that, you need more reason to listen? Would it sweeten the deal if you discovered that the show American Horror story was discussed? I thought so!

The Seventy-Sixth-Greatest Panel in the History of Comics!

When piloting the suit, one of his legs obviously sits in each of the suit's legs. So how did he turn around without getting out of it?

It's Halloween!

Why aren't you watching Ghostwatch?

Tales From the Darkside 306: Black Widows

Aren't these things supposed to have twists? At least that's how they've been constructed up until this point. Either it's just a creepy thing going on, in which case the show is a little open about it, or there's a twist at the end. You've got your 'Word Processors of the Gods' and you've got your 'Anniversary Dinners'. This episode, on the other hand, seems like it's trying to be subtle about its twist, except that the title and a bizarre effect give it away.

Here's the setup - a mother and daughter share a trailer in the local park. Much to the daughter's consternation, the mother refuses to ever go out and see the world, preferring instead to let the world 'come to her'. Much like a spider living in its web. The spider thing continues with the daughter carefully taking one out of the house rather than killing it, and then the mother telling an encyclopedia salesman who drops by later not to kill one, since spiders in the house are 'good luck'. A sentiment I can't disagree with, largely because I don't like flies.

Despite this admonishment, the salesman goes ahead and kills the spider anyhow, and when the mother finds out, this happens:

So yes, we can clearly bid subtlety a fond farewell.

Do you know what that word means, Dexter?

It occurs to me that despite the fact that Dexter is a largely terrible show I haven't extensively covered it here on the site. Yes, I'm already covering enough things at once, so I'm not going to add it to the cue. That being said, something so profoundly stupid was said in a recent episode that I couldn't let it slip by.



Same "signature"? Except the 'signature' on the first victim was the Alpha/Omega sign sewn into his chest and the snakes hidden within. The 'signature' this time is a disassembled corpse. They really couldn't be less similar.

Now if you'd told me that the exact same kind of thread was used in both cases, and (forensic nonsense) had perfectly matched the fibers to the same roll, then at least you'd have some basis for this. As it is, I'm just wondering what a blood spatter analyst/CSI is doing playing around with a corpse without an ME present.

Have you even heard of the chain of custody, Dexter?