The Film 'Flesh, TX' does not merit discussion.

So instead, here is a list of movies you'll enjoy more, which all feature similar plot elements, if that's important to you:

Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Wrong Turn

Tourist Trap

Breakdown

House of Wax (remake)

Eaten Alive

Delicatessen

Ravenous

The Vanishing

The Hills Have Eyes

Motel Hell

Really, any movie about kidnapped loved ones or cannibals will do, there's no need for it to feature both.

TheAvod Episode 110: I go a little nuts.

That's right, on this week's TheAvod, which is available by right-clicking here, my emotions get away from me a little when discussing the disappearance of mini-series from American television.

A lame thing to get upset about? Absolutely. At the same time, though, as an old codger, I've become nostalgic for the trappings of my youth. Also, it's just crazy to me that there have been movies of the week and mini-series for the entire history of American television, up until the last ten years. What's up with that?

Damn you, reality television, who I'm choosing to blame for this!

Oh, and we discuss the Red Riding Trilogy for a full hour before the rant. So there's that, if listening to me yell doesn't do it for you.

Enjoy!

The Forty-Fourth-Greatest Panel in the History of Comics!

That's scary and all, but the fact that you're invisible other than your sword still puts you at a bit of an advantage.

Tales From the Darkside 122: Grandma’s Last Wish

The episode opens with sad reminders of good times past. As old-timey music plays the camera pans across paraphernalia from the 30s, finally stopping on a photograph of a young woman-

While on the soundtrack we hear the obnoxious snoring of what can only be the older version of same:

Grandma is disturbed about the arrival of her cartwheeling granddaughter, Greta, who has no time for her. May and Greta capera about, answering phone calls and worrying about their own lives while Grandma rambles on about nothing in particular. It's all a fairly depressing vignette about a woman descending into irellevance, ignored by a family who doesn't see her value. Not entirely sure where this is going, but it's going to be bleak!

The next morning Grandma complains to anyone who'll listen about how awful being old is, and how when she was young she never took time to consider this time of her life. Her frustration drives her to try and move across the room without her walker, which leads to a near-fatal fall. Her son and May try to broach the subject of moving her into a home, but grandma's having none of it!

In Defense of My Theories about Big Tits Zombie

During a recent TheAvod we covered a certain movie whose title suggested it would feature well-endowed zombies. During that discussion I asserted that the movie was intended to be a parody of the Bikini Samurai Squad (or Oneechanbara) franchise. One of my co-hosts that week had no idea what I was talking about, and the other made a quick trip to the internet, and was thereby informed that the film was adapted from a comic book. Humbled, I sulked away and turned to vicious sniping to salve my wounded pride.

Now, weeks later, my ego has recovered sufficiently to allow me to plead my case that I was, if not correct, at least reasonable in my assumption about the film's pedigree. An inability to read Japanese, and the paucity of information about possible links in English on the internet has forced me to resort to largely visual evidence in order to prove my case. My rationale follows.

Suspect Behavior 106: Devotion

Another week, another instance of the obtuse opening crawl that doesn't really explain why the show exists. Here's the problem: Criminal Minds already presents a fictional version of an absurdly interventionist Behavioural Analysis Unit, one that rushes en masse to crime scenes around the country, dons bulletproof vests, and kicks open doors. How could a 'Red Cell' possibly be any more proactive?

I'm guessing that we're about to be presented with more proof that it's couldn't.

A family is gathered in the woods to take a photograph, but their camera's battery has died. Even though it's just a five minute walk back to the car, the wife and daughter allow the father to walk back on his one - which leads to him being knocked out and dragged off by the creepy man that the daughter saw following them. The parents didn't believe her about the man, of course, because what person would take their child's claim of being stalked seriously?

Oh, and he's abducted pretty easily despite the fact that he was parked in a long line of cars-

And the park is incredibly packed with people-

What is this guy, a ninja?

Anyhoo, the killer stands the guy on a stool, puts a noose around his neck, and then forces a woman to watch the whole murder-

Yikes! That guy is sadistic. Back in DC we see the team being called in - there was a similar murder two days earlier in Omaha, where a construction worker ducked out from a restaurant to use a bathroom, and wound up lynched in the parking lot. The FBI worried that there might be a racial component, because the guy was Hispanic, but now that there's been a white guy killed the same way, they've dismissed that possibility. Because it's impossible that anyone could have a problem with both Hispanic and White people.

The one thing they're sure of is that the killer is traveling east along a certain highway - will this give them the advantage they need to catch him? Let's find out after the opening credits!

Criminal Minds 416: Pleasure is my Business

The episode begins with a high-priced call girl tantalizing a rich businessman and offering him a glass of champagne, the drinking of which quickly proves to have been a mistake. As the man dies on the floor of a hotel suite she makes another date! Will she be going for a two-fer tonight? And what does all this have to do with Greg watching footage of his son learning how to ride a bike, which is the scene the show immediately cuts to from the murder!

Oh, nothing, it seems. It's just that Greg is called in personally to rush down to Texas, sans the team. Why? Both the men who've been murdered recently are super-rich businessmen who were known to use the services of prostitutes - and the upper class of Dallas are worried that their own indiscretions will come out if the FBI looks into the case! Can the team possibly solve the case without stepping on anyone's feet?

And at what point will Greg realize that he was in the elevator with the very murderer he's been hired to catch?

More importantly, though, how can there be no footage of the killer if she's not shy about taking the elevator when on her way to murder people? And is bringing a suitcase to the room something a prostitute normally does? Maybe we'll find out after the opening credits!

Although I doubt it.

There is no way 'The Last Horror Movie' would ever have worked.

There's plenty of ways to attack a review of 'The Last Horror Movie' - the preposterousness of much of the premise, the fact that the main character's shaky understanding of ethics leads to any number of dull diatribes on morality (seriously, this is the kind of blather you expect to hear coming from a slightly tipsy and wholly obnoxious first-year college taking an intro to philosophy course), most importantly, though, is that the film's very nature sabotages any chance it has of successfully creeping out an audience. Since that creeping out in the last five minutes is the film's only goal, this is a fairly key flaw.

That's the DVD cover. In moments, you'll understand both why the film reel that replaces the 'o' and the fact that this movie has a DVD cover at all are fundamental mistakes.

TheAvod Episode 109: Uncle Gunnysack

We've got another theAvod this week, technological limitations be damned! Seriously though, this week we've got a terribly weird-sounding episode, due largely to a certain participant's dysfunctional computer. I'm not naming names here, but let's just say it was the person who isn't able to type an update on recording day and leave it at that.

Wow, I'm a jerk sometimes.

Anyhoo, if you'd like to hear about my continuing problems with Robert Knepper (really, a single character he portrays), the Divemitsress' experiences with John Waters, and finally the two of us agreeing that Wes Craven has largely been underrated (by us, at least) as a filmmaker, just right click here and download the new episode of theAvod!

All that being said, Red Eye was still awful.

The Forty-Third-Greatest Panel in the History of Comics!

You know how eventually you're allowed to make light of tragedies? It seems that just three years after that whole Hindenburg mishegoss it was completely cool to exploit its imagery for the end of a superhero story.

Tales From the Darkside 121: Bigalow's Last Smoke

This isn't the episode I've been talking about - the one I'm searching for because it terrified me so thorougly as a teen. Nevertheless, I remember this episode of Tales From the Darkside almost perfectly. Which is a little weird, although it could be the subject matter struck a chord with me decades ago and I've just had it kicking around inside my head ever since. In fact given the clarity with which I remember James Woods' segment from Cat's Eye, that's almost certainly the case.

Yes, for anyone who hasn't seen that film, I'm saying that this is an episode about a man being forced to quit smoking. That's him waking up in a daze, searching in vain for the cigarettes he remembers stashing in his night table. Bigalow stumbles around the apartment, puzzled that his television isn't working - of course, in a quantum conundrum, the television only doesn't work when he's looking at it. When he turns away, the face of popular character actor Sam Anderson appears!

Finally Bigalow realizes something's amiss when he notices that his windows have been barred over, and the 'sunlight' from outside is actually being proejcted by a series of lights. This isn't his apartment at all, but rather a set designed to look like it! But why? Oh, right, to help him quit smoking, I already said that part.

There's Someone More Heartless than Grant Morrison? Really?

When I talk about Grant Morrisson's writing I tend to use harsh terminology. Heartless, monster, sociopath - just a sampling of the hyperbolic invective I`ve levied at the man in the past. Obviously I`ve never meant any of it, I just enjoy making broad rhetorical points when discussing a man that I perceive as representing the worst that comics have to offer. He writes emotionally disconnected, fundamentally nihilistic stories about awful people doing horrible things for no particular reason, other than Grant read something about particle physics or Kabbalah that week and thought he could write a story that weaves those ideas into the plot.

He`s never successful at doing this, however, and what we're left with are stories where people talk for a few pages about dark matter before shooting children in the face. Bleak, pointless, trash.

Except when he`s writing about Batman and Superman. Somehow the mythic power of those characters overcomes all of Grant`s instincts and he, more often than not, winds up writing solid-to-brilliant adventure stories in which the characters are pushed past the point of no return and well into `certain death` territory, only to have them think their way out at the last possible moment with a scheme that startles the reader every bit as much as it does the villain. He`s not in Alan Moore`s league of course - Morrisson has a penchant for lazy plotting and a reliance on his readers not giving characters` motivations too much thought. Still, his superhero stories are always worth a look.

It`s his love for Superman that led to something occurring that I never imagined I would see... an animated adaptation of a Grant Morrisson comic that`s actually darker than the source material!

Suspect Behavior 105: Here is the Fire

For the fifth week in a row Suspect Behavior opens with a restatement of its premise. Which makes five weeks in a row that a completely unnecessary title card has wasted ten seconds of our time. Couldn't that time be better spent better explaining why CBS airs the same show twice in a row? Hell, I don't remember NBC airing SVU right after Law and Order (and if they did, it doesn't matter, since the shows are so vastly different).

Anyhoo, the show proper opens with a hilarious CG map that I'm going to present here, because come on, Criminal Minds-

This cry for attention stuff is just getting sad. If you wanted people to notice you, you should have had that heroic sniper shoot the guy in the eye last week. At least that's not something we see on television much.

Seriously? You zoomed in on a map, and then gave us the location chyron anyways? What is wrong with you people?

So there's a high school, and a creepy guy carries an attache case into it. He stops in a bathroom to water his face because he's so nervous, then heads into the principal's office. Then he uses the PA system to tell everyone to go to the cafeteria so that he can make an announcement. Is he going to blow them all up with a bomb? Probably. But I'm not sure why the hallways are packed with people to hear his PA message since, according to the clock-

It's not even 8AM yet. What time does high school start these days?

Anyhow, looks like he never made it to the cafeteria, since only a single classroom window blows out. Thank heavens for small favors, right? Then the director of the FBI (Richard Schiff!) gets a note about the bombing, and immediately calls his best man (Forest Whitaker) in on the case!

Okay, based on that scene one of two things is going on here. A: Someone at the network was as confused as I was about what a 'Red Cell' is supposed to be. B: This episode was supposed to be the pilot, but it was so weak that it got pushed back to episode 5.

By the way, the fact that a bomb went off isn't 'Intel'. That line mind wind up being our Prentiss-award-winner of the night, which would be the first time a non-cast-member wins it!

Also, remember how much I mocked them for working out of an abandoned gym?

Turns out it's a functioning gym. With an FBI office in it. God, this show is stupid. Also, an obviously looped line in this scene suggests, again, that this is a pilot, and Janeane wasn't originally on the team.

Flat-out proving that this was originally the pilot Janeane gets her own introduction (befitting the second-most-famous person in the cast - in the pilot we saw she didn't even have a line - okay, that's an exaggeration. She had two lines.) where she drives up, announces she's an anti-terrorist specialist, and hands the cop on scene some stimulants to make sure he's up to the task of solving crimes.

Seriously, that happens.

More stupidity - the cop announces that they've got an 'evacuation going on now', which suggests that somehow there would be anyone left in the building. Quick timeline - bomb goes off - FBI gets called (~ten minutes), message gets to director (~five minutes), director calls Janeane out of a seminar and has her drive to Fredricksburg, VA (~30 minutes). It's a minimum of forty-five minutes after the bomb went off - maybe firefighters are still working, but how could the building not be empty?

They send a robot in to search for another bomb, and we learn that somewhere in the neighbourhood of a hundred people were injured in the bombing! And a note announces 'Here I am'! They may have a serial bomber on their hands!

Criminal Minds 415: Zoe’s Reprise

The episode begins with Joe Mantegna failing to believably read from a book.

He's supposedly reading the foreward of his tome, but all he's done is opened the cover. The only thing he could possibly be looking at is the title page, which certainly doesn't have any information about about sexual psychopathy in it. Hey, wouldn't it be great if this was shot in the same bookstore that Geoff Pierson had been in back in season 1? I suppose it's way too late to bring up my preference for him taking over the Mandy Patinkin part, right? Not that I'm complaining about Joe - love the guy - it's just they'd already established a John Douglas figure in the world, so having another one turn up is just peculiar.

Anyhow, in the audience a red-haired woman is taking copious notes. Which is an odd thing to do, considering she could just grab a copy of the book for herself and read the actual text he's reading.

You know, this might actually be the same bookstore (which is being shot at a library, apparently) - I should dig out my DVDs of the first season to check...

The red-haired girl, the 'Zoe' of the title, approaches Joe after the reading and asks him if the team is looking into the 11% increase in murders they've had in Cleveland in the past month. She thinks a serial killer is working, but no one is listening to her! Joe doesn't believe her either, because the five murders she's pointed out were all featuring different M.O.s and victim types. Joe blows her off, leaving her with a card and a suggestion to keep investigating.

Which she does by wandering around the crime scene where the last murder was committed alone, in the middle of the night. Then a guy walks up to her, and she immediately tells him exactly why she's there and what she's doing.

Seriously? She pulled a Naomi Misora? I swear to god, this girl is supposed to be an expert on serial killers, yet when she runs into a creepy twenty-something guy hanging around one of the crime scenes in the middle of the night (why is she going alone in the middle of the night?) she immediately starts telling him that she's close to catching the killer? What is wrong with this woman?

Zoe, I'm sorry to have to say this, but you were too stupid to continue to live.

Now very dead, all Zoe can do is offer a motivation for Joe to get involved in the case, which is exactly what happens. See, they found his business card on her body, and immediately called him. Which is nice, but it raises an important question - why did the killer murder Zoe? Yes, she told him that she was investigating the recent spate of murders, but he, theoretically, anyhow, was going out of his way to commit those murders in random and disconnected ways to keep the cops from realizing he was out there. Yes, Zoe was on to him, and could have brought his crimes to light, but wouldn't killing someone at the site of the latest murder also go a long way towards attracting the attention of the police, and convince them something more serious than a few random crimes was occurring?

I guess we'll find out after the opening credits?

Saturday Night Live RapeWatch: Zach Galfinakis Edition

This week Zack Galfinakis returned to host for a second time, and while I'm not familiar with the man's comedy, I've always found him a distractingly unpleasant presence in the few film appearances that I've seen. He was similarly off-putting on SNL last week, but that's not my main point of contention with the episode. No, my distaste for last week's SNL revolves entirely around the fact that it offered the return of Scared Straight, the rape-themed sketch that inspired this series of articles in the first place.

In addition to that abomination the episode featured a spike in gay jokes over the year's average. In addition to the threats of gay rape that permeate Scared Straight, there was some cruel stereotyping in the opening monologue, as well as a sketch about the show 'The Talk', a third of the jokes revolved around the fact that co-host Sara Gilbert is gay. Well, I say 'jokes', but in reality there wasn't anything that could be called a joke in the sketch, just endless restatements of the fact that she is, in fact, gay, possibly hoping that some comedy could be gleaned from the repetition.

It wasn't.

The tally follows:

Rape - 1

Homophobia - 3

See you back here at the beginning of April, when Elton John hosts and is the musical guest! Man, I'm really going to have to rethink my definitions of homophobia-based humour for that episode...